Longing For Something Deeper...

This does not apply to non-christians.. But nevertheless, it's a good read..
Just some random thoughts I have recently..

Was talking with a brother on Sunday afternoon..
I don't remember in exact what was said (that I can print it out here exactly), but I was left with the impression that:-

Serving God = Being taken care of..

What is 'serving God' defined as?
As for the church I attend, it is the below:
i) Attend church on saturdays (for youth) and sundays(for worship)... and maybe thursdays.. (for bible study)
ii) Get yourself into a certain ministry, and do your best to share the gospel through that ministry
iii) serve unquestioningly and give your tithes
iv) whatever your gifts, you serve in what is given to you..

Honestly, that does sound like nothing more than brainwash fueled by legalism...
[I believe all Brethren churches or Gospel Halls fall into this trap all the time]

There has to be something deeper to knowing Him and serving Him..
No wonder so many people just get drained and burn out.. (at least in my church, I see it that way)
And it also sounds like emotional blackmail..
Yes, i know God doesn't need anything from us.. but the whole concept makes it feel like he blackmails us so we do good and kow tou to him...

It kinda feels like God is playing a heightened version of 'The Sims'

That is not the Jesus I know...

Reminiscence - Short Novel

I was watching "Eternal Sunshine of A Spotless Mind" acted by Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet on TV3 on saturday night and the idea of erasing a person from memory intrigued me.
As far as I know, nothing as such has been invented, but here's a random emo novel based on the movie.

Plus, i write good stuff when I'm feeling sad.. So here goes..

Reminiscence
Romeo sat on the old rocking chair under the fan.
And Juliet had left a long time ago in spring.

Romeo stared into the nothingness of the night.
Times of old, flooded his mind, replaying memories of long gone.

As much as he's sitting there unmoved, his mind travelled to places in the past.
Living every history just like it's in the moment.
"I remember," he whispered.
His mind continue to flow.. Like a letter his thoughts materialise...

***

I still remember...

When we danced in the moonlight to Enrique's Hero.

When you rested your head on my chest and I kissed your forehead.

And you laid by my side as I whispered your name and played with your hair..

Remember I held your hand for the first time at the Fair?

Also when we talked late into the night, laughing and having a great time...

How could I forget the pair of reds earrings for your birthday?

And the square earrings randomly one weekend...

I recall the times we enjoyed shrimp cocktail and ox-tail soup at night.

Especially the nights when I made dinner - just for you.

I remember you said you had to always give to feel loved by your parents.

Yet I loved you for who you are, not what you did.

I remember Juliet, when you said mean words to Jonathan in the car.

As well as our random Starbucks gatecrash. I remember your fav is Java Chip Frappucino.

Remember the e-cards we sent to each other? And our long online chats when we're apart?

And how I've always gotten you chicken rice every time? and you'll never bore coz it's your favourite...

I enjoyed the perfume sampling each time we go out..

And the feasts we had at Manhattan Fish Market.

When we argued, remember you played Damien Rice's Cannonball, and I played Blunt's Goodbye My Lover? Haha.. Those were the days...

Remember Keira, Keanu, Kirsten & Kael? Those were the names we'd give our children.

I cann still see in my mind, the Fereros I'll always surprise you with..

I recall your warmth as we sat in the couple seat in the theater.

and your constant craving for Baskin Robbins or New Zealand Ice Cream.

I still taste the chicken salad from Carl's Jr that we shared.

The smell of your hair still lingers in my mind.

Juliet, I still remember.

***

If ever the letter in my mind would reach you, how would you react?

Would you laugh? or would you cry? Would you remember or would you forget?

"I still remember, but I want to forget.." Romeo whispered to the hot summer night's air..

Maybe in time, maybe with age.

Maybe a knock to the head. Amnesia or brain damage sounds good...

But tonight, I remember...

I can't forget...

Come'on.. Give Me One Last Push...

Blogging from the cybercafe..

The last 24 hours...
One Saman, PC Crashed, Lost my K810i...

Come on God, give me one last push..
I'll change sides man..

What's next? My Car? My life? My family?
Come on.. Bring it on...

I don't even know why I wanna worship you tomorrow...
The most scary thing about being a Christian is :-
That you know Satan exist and that he will give you what God will not...

Just when i thought things couldn't get worse..

Now my computer is the next casualty. What's next God? My car? My life?

Why Should I Continue To Believe?

This post can be profane, and highly disturbing.
Please do not view if you're below 18 years old..

I donno...
I've been putting my trust in you for the last decade since form 4...
But for the last few days things just seem to click in my head...

To be frank, I have never been highly religious, but I suppose that I have my own eccentricities..
But for some bloody f**king reason, everything seems to be like shit for the last 5 months...

Tell me why?

Did I not ask you to take care for me since I'm taking this leap of faith by going freelance?

Why should I go on believing in faithfulness?
Why should I go on believing in mercy in this dog eat dog world?

Mentang mentang it's PC Fair, my IT clients suddenly so senyap one? Why?
I'm willing to work. I'm willing to put in the effort. Yet the last few months you barely throw this dog a bone... You let all my friends gain an extra something, but not me... WTF?
The ones I finish, I cannot collect..

And my business tak jadi.. My dreams koyak...
And dah lah, some church-going hypocrits now saying I snake-oiling people when in fact, I never did in the first place...

Or am I another pawn in your gamble with darkness? Like Job?

You throw me problems after problems..
Issues after issues... Trials after trials...
It DOESN'T make me persevere.. It makes me pissed!! like now...

Damn it! I've even stumble across sites like this one in my search for answers...

And only after you sent this brother to talk sense to me that I thought to myself, I should be a 'good christian', give my tithes, and serve in an appropriate manner...
I've even thought of wiping the slate clean, starting over, getting a new job, finding purpose again.. And my private talk with you in the Gym today gave me hope... or so I thought..

But No.. dah lah, you throw me a saman last week, today you hantam me again with another saman - just 3 hours ago...
damn fun meh? That is like what? Negative cashflow?

What should I expect now?
Family members dying? like Job?
Or you gonna throw me a disease and let me mourn in sackcloth?
Or throw me in prison?
Damn fun right?

Why should I continue to believe?