Longing For Something Deeper...

This does not apply to non-christians.. But nevertheless, it's a good read..
Just some random thoughts I have recently..

Was talking with a brother on Sunday afternoon..
I don't remember in exact what was said (that I can print it out here exactly), but I was left with the impression that:-

Serving God = Being taken care of..

What is 'serving God' defined as?
As for the church I attend, it is the below:
i) Attend church on saturdays (for youth) and sundays(for worship)... and maybe thursdays.. (for bible study)
ii) Get yourself into a certain ministry, and do your best to share the gospel through that ministry
iii) serve unquestioningly and give your tithes
iv) whatever your gifts, you serve in what is given to you..

Honestly, that does sound like nothing more than brainwash fueled by legalism...
[I believe all Brethren churches or Gospel Halls fall into this trap all the time]

There has to be something deeper to knowing Him and serving Him..
No wonder so many people just get drained and burn out.. (at least in my church, I see it that way)
And it also sounds like emotional blackmail..
Yes, i know God doesn't need anything from us.. but the whole concept makes it feel like he blackmails us so we do good and kow tou to him...

It kinda feels like God is playing a heightened version of 'The Sims'

That is not the Jesus I know...

Reminiscence - Short Novel

I was watching "Eternal Sunshine of A Spotless Mind" acted by Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet on TV3 on saturday night and the idea of erasing a person from memory intrigued me.
As far as I know, nothing as such has been invented, but here's a random emo novel based on the movie.

Plus, i write good stuff when I'm feeling sad.. So here goes..

Reminiscence
Romeo sat on the old rocking chair under the fan.
And Juliet had left a long time ago in spring.

Romeo stared into the nothingness of the night.
Times of old, flooded his mind, replaying memories of long gone.

As much as he's sitting there unmoved, his mind travelled to places in the past.
Living every history just like it's in the moment.
"I remember," he whispered.
His mind continue to flow.. Like a letter his thoughts materialise...

***

I still remember...

When we danced in the moonlight to Enrique's Hero.

When you rested your head on my chest and I kissed your forehead.

And you laid by my side as I whispered your name and played with your hair..

Remember I held your hand for the first time at the Fair?

Also when we talked late into the night, laughing and having a great time...

How could I forget the pair of reds earrings for your birthday?

And the square earrings randomly one weekend...

I recall the times we enjoyed shrimp cocktail and ox-tail soup at night.

Especially the nights when I made dinner - just for you.

I remember you said you had to always give to feel loved by your parents.

Yet I loved you for who you are, not what you did.

I remember Juliet, when you said mean words to Jonathan in the car.

As well as our random Starbucks gatecrash. I remember your fav is Java Chip Frappucino.

Remember the e-cards we sent to each other? And our long online chats when we're apart?

And how I've always gotten you chicken rice every time? and you'll never bore coz it's your favourite...

I enjoyed the perfume sampling each time we go out..

And the feasts we had at Manhattan Fish Market.

When we argued, remember you played Damien Rice's Cannonball, and I played Blunt's Goodbye My Lover? Haha.. Those were the days...

Remember Keira, Keanu, Kirsten & Kael? Those were the names we'd give our children.

I cann still see in my mind, the Fereros I'll always surprise you with..

I recall your warmth as we sat in the couple seat in the theater.

and your constant craving for Baskin Robbins or New Zealand Ice Cream.

I still taste the chicken salad from Carl's Jr that we shared.

The smell of your hair still lingers in my mind.

Juliet, I still remember.

***

If ever the letter in my mind would reach you, how would you react?

Would you laugh? or would you cry? Would you remember or would you forget?

"I still remember, but I want to forget.." Romeo whispered to the hot summer night's air..

Maybe in time, maybe with age.

Maybe a knock to the head. Amnesia or brain damage sounds good...

But tonight, I remember...

I can't forget...

Come'on.. Give Me One Last Push...

Blogging from the cybercafe..

The last 24 hours...
One Saman, PC Crashed, Lost my K810i...

Come on God, give me one last push..
I'll change sides man..

What's next? My Car? My life? My family?
Come on.. Bring it on...

I don't even know why I wanna worship you tomorrow...
The most scary thing about being a Christian is :-
That you know Satan exist and that he will give you what God will not...

Just when i thought things couldn't get worse..

Now my computer is the next casualty. What's next God? My car? My life?

Why Should I Continue To Believe?

This post can be profane, and highly disturbing.
Please do not view if you're below 18 years old..

I donno...
I've been putting my trust in you for the last decade since form 4...
But for the last few days things just seem to click in my head...

To be frank, I have never been highly religious, but I suppose that I have my own eccentricities..
But for some bloody f**king reason, everything seems to be like shit for the last 5 months...

Tell me why?

Did I not ask you to take care for me since I'm taking this leap of faith by going freelance?

Why should I go on believing in faithfulness?
Why should I go on believing in mercy in this dog eat dog world?

Mentang mentang it's PC Fair, my IT clients suddenly so senyap one? Why?
I'm willing to work. I'm willing to put in the effort. Yet the last few months you barely throw this dog a bone... You let all my friends gain an extra something, but not me... WTF?
The ones I finish, I cannot collect..

And my business tak jadi.. My dreams koyak...
And dah lah, some church-going hypocrits now saying I snake-oiling people when in fact, I never did in the first place...

Or am I another pawn in your gamble with darkness? Like Job?

You throw me problems after problems..
Issues after issues... Trials after trials...
It DOESN'T make me persevere.. It makes me pissed!! like now...

Damn it! I've even stumble across sites like this one in my search for answers...

And only after you sent this brother to talk sense to me that I thought to myself, I should be a 'good christian', give my tithes, and serve in an appropriate manner...
I've even thought of wiping the slate clean, starting over, getting a new job, finding purpose again.. And my private talk with you in the Gym today gave me hope... or so I thought..

But No.. dah lah, you throw me a saman last week, today you hantam me again with another saman - just 3 hours ago...
damn fun meh? That is like what? Negative cashflow?

What should I expect now?
Family members dying? like Job?
Or you gonna throw me a disease and let me mourn in sackcloth?
Or throw me in prison?
Damn fun right?

Why should I continue to believe?

The Prodigal - Short Novel

"It has been almost a year since I've left home. Still, I could not forget the roasted lamb, the bitter herbs and vineyard wine on my lips. It's as though I could taste it as I close my eyes right now. But now, I'm contented with bread and water... that's perfect by any standard for trash like me..."

Patrick thought as he strolled down the path home - the path he swore to never walk again. But fate seems to play its own cards. The field holds the familiar scent of the harvest - a smell that only those who lived there could recognize. The horizon filled with the sea of white barley in the setting sun is captivating enough to swoon any maidens' heart. But in Pat's heart was no maiden. No woman. Instead, his mind lingered on his past, his actions, HIS SINS...

His heart was dirtier than the "filthy rags" he was wearing. At least this one thing is still clear to him.

"Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired men..."
As he thought, his lips moved to murmur, but his quiet determination broke down into silence. Pat could barely lift his eyes up, feeling the crushing shame on his shoulders - and it was a burden too heavy for one in his time. Yet, the enormous weight did not halt his pace.

Walking on silently, he thought about many things, his Father, his mother, brother, sisters, relatives, servants, belongings.... all that he LEFT behind. Patrick has always lived under the shadow of his elder brother, James. There was no doubt that James was better, smarter, and more hardworking in more ways than even the servants! And James had always had little expectations about what Patrick could achieve in life. "And I proved him right", Pat mumbled under his breath.

A sudden gust of chilling countryside wind made Pat pulled his jacket tighter. He remembered the hurricane he caused when he stormed off. Hearts cut, temper thrown, verbal daggers and back stabs. A beautiful family crushed into pieces. Like a rose trampled by the feet of men, it's hard to imagine how a family so perfect could be torn apart by men; and Patrick WAS SUCH A MAN...

Grrrrr.... and then silence.

Pat's stomach growled. It was days since he tasted anything at all. He remembered the pods the pigs ate, and how for a moment of madness he would have dug into the pods himself. "What a job! And even worse pay! I could hardly buy a loaf of bread with 5 days worth of wages... and that's not enough for even a child labourer..", the arguments with his employer lingered in his ears. These brought grief to his heart.. an ache he could clearly remember when he walked out of the door. Kleenex, shouting, slamming on the table, tears, and the door shutting behind him - the very pain that made him replay his Father's tears - like a broken cassette player in his mind.

Walking to a few hundred meters from his house, his knees caved in... The spirit was willing to go home, but the flesh was weak. After all, that was the way he succumbed to the very temptations in his life - pleasure, women & wine. And the greatest temptation was to ask for his Father's death before its time... The jellylike knees, is after all, the way his body was communicating what he did not dare to say out of the mouth.. That he was willing to come back home, like a dog with the tails between its hind legs...

No more vanity, pride and selfishness.
Only brokenness, humility and shame hangs on his head.

With all his might, Pat dragged his feet in the sand; with his eyes on the ground, he strolled for another few steps when his feet halted and just as how it began to walk, this time, it turned about and started to walk away - in the same direction it made one year ago, down the same road.

"I can't do this. I can't put them through the pain again. I walked out. I failed. I disappointed them. I am not worthy. Not worthy to serve and earn a wage. Like an animal, I belong with the pigs. I'm too cruel to be human, to be worthy of them. Walking away was the choice that I MADE. This time, I don't get to choose to walk in again..."

As he walked away, he could hear the distant, yet familiar sound of the gate opening. Instantly, memories of previous Passovers filled his mind. The slaughter of the lamb. The painting of the lamb's blood on the door post. This ritual his Father had observed every year with him watching. "How could a Lamb's blood take away sin? If only it can easily take away my sins against my Father and against Heaven! How can a Holy God be pleased and satisfied with the blood of an animal?" Tears streamed down Pat's face...

Footsteps...
From behind...
Then, a warm memorable voice...

"Son".

A strong burly arm grabbed Pat on the shoulders and tugged him to turn.
Pat turned to face his Father. The one whom he has sinned against...

But words just escape Pat's lips...
"Father I.... I have sinned ...." he stammered. The words just fail to resound.. "against heaven and against you..... I am no longer worthy to be called your son...."

Before Pat could continue, Father cut him off and commanded Joshua, the servant... "Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let's have a feast and celebrate. For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found".

Their eyes met.
And for the first time ever, staring at each other - like there's so much to be spoken from the window of the soul.

Wrapping His arms around Pat, Father's warm voice beckoned, "Welcome Home".
They hugged. For a minute or two, two grown men were embracing each other, tears rolling out like the flood. No public decency, no "I told you so" talk. This was love in action.

At that point, Pat just broke down.
He's felt the hard reality of life.
And this embrace was just where it's safe. In his arms. In his love.
"I was dead, but now I feel so terribly alive..."

"I'm home", Pat said and smiled weakly...
"I'm Home"...

Spiritual Gifts

Recently I did a spiritual gift test online.
You can try it too..

http://www.kodachrome.org/spiritgift/

Here's my gifts according to the results:-
My top 10 gifts are -
Faith, Healing, Teaching, Encouragement, Missionary, Mercy, Apostle, Evangelism, Helps & Discernment.

I'm very surprised with my results actually.
Coz in 2002, I did a similar test at a RBS - Residental Bible Seminar in Camerons.
Back then I had the gift of Faith, Mercy, Leadership and Knowledge.

Lost my leadership and knowledge? Did my IQ dropped? lol! swt!!!

But Healing? lol..
I've never tried that actually..
Maybe I should practice it more and grow that talent. haha...

But it's good la.. at least the faith part counters the Phlegmatic's proneness to worry...
Hmmm.. is this fullness of faith the same as in Acts 6? LMAO!

But I find healing interesting coz - it's not just a physical healing, but also spiritual, mental and emotional too! Interesting!
I guess, i should learn to use it more for the Body.. hmmm...

Does this gift include my ability to listen (better than the average guy) plus my lavender and piano massages? hahaha...

And for the record, I don't know those Dukun Tenaga Batin massages - where the Dukun will sit 'bersila' while massaging sarong-wearing men... hahahaha

Birthday

Your Birthdate: January 1

You are a natural born leader, even if those leadership talents haven't been developed yet. You have the power and self confidence to succeed in life, and your power grows daily. Besides power, you also have a great deal of creativity that enables you to innovate instead of fail. You are a visionary, seeing the big picture instead of all of the trivial little details. Your strength: Your supreme genius Your weakness: Your inappropriate sensitivity Your power color: Gold Your power symbol: Star Your power month: January

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?